I have so many questions.
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
@funTweeters
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.