“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.