“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
car not found
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need