Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.