Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That took me a moment.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

All. The. Damn. Time.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available