I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[eulogy]
line?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go