I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Yep.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…