Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

He a real one for that

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

They’re called werewolves.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

God tier horse name today on the sims

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.