Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts