Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

#TopTip

😂🥴

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it