Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too