I have some bad news about people who work in offices
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
thank god the sign was there
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.