Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Doormats are a gateway rug.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

LOOOOOOL

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.