I have some bad news about people who work in offices
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy