Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.