I have some bad news about people who work in offices
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Ken is short for chicken
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.