Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

me working on my assignments ^-^

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.