I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
shazam but for random noises outside
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Tastes like chicken.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture