Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.