I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.