Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

God tier horse name today on the sims

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?