I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I try
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…