Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

thank god the sign was there