I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING