Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I see your IQ test came back negative

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.