I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes