I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?