Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil