Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

#Caturday

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.