Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.