I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?