Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.