I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.