Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Teamwork makes the dream work.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava