I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.