Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.