Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Just had my nails done!

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless