I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!