I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Wise advice
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too