I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
You Might Also Like
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
boys are so easy to impress
They grow up so quick
My love language is deader than Latin
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.