I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me buying fruit and veg
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate