I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
You Might Also Like
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.