I have taken up painting
You Might Also Like
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Bro what is this
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…