I have taken up painting
You Might Also Like
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
i- i did not expect this
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
@funTweeters
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”