I have taken up painting
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
welp
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.