I have taken up painting
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
iPhone X
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word