I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.