I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Not with that attitude
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions