I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
You Might Also Like
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
yeet
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Watermelon Boss!
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader