I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My dream job is getting paid to dream
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches