I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.