I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
How to walk around a museum
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.