I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
work smarter, not harder
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.