I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters