Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony