I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
You Might Also Like
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
#polloftheday
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?