Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

We need to put an American base on the sun

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup