Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.