I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”