I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
had to make it
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit