I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.