I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman