Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Happy Star Wars day!

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”