I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t