I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership