I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Yes, this is exactly right
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A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours