I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop