I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*