I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials