I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay