I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Love this guy
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
termite twitter scares me
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now