I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
two people or more is called a problem
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet