I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
You Might Also Like
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats