I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Personal question. #JustSaying
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”