I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A roof is a house hat.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Battery falling down a hole
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.