I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
You Might Also Like
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work