I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.