I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
You’ll be OK
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
sometimes we need to be reminded
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
How dude HOW?!
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks