I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
this has to be peak English
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours