I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Actually cracking up @ this
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.