I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
this post was so formative to me
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Britain be like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.