I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
when unicorns get really drunk
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.