Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who